As my twenties come to an end I'm filled with mixed emotions. Whilst I'm filled with the natural fear of dread that social stigma tell us we should feel upon entering a new decade, I look back and realise the last eight years of my life have been pretty shite!
In the last 8 years I have been diagnosed with Crohn's disease, lost my best and oldest friend to mental illness and suicide, been diagnosed with depression myself, lost both my Grandma's within the space of a week each other, one unexpectedly. I went from being a healthy 11stone to 7 and a half stone in 2004 when I was ill. I've dabbled with drugs and at certain times I believe I've had drink and gambling problems. This has lead to me running away from anything as soon as it got too hard. Be it relationships, jobs even cities. I've moved from job to job and city to city, moving around like a nomad. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. I've pushed away good friends who only wanted to help me, and with hindsight, I've realised it was because I was scared to let them get too close in case they left me. I've even tried pushing my own family away. My counsellor thinks I have abandonement issues and I can see where she's coming from. Apparently it all stems from the death of my Grandfather when I was 4.
I've not said any of this in a vain attempt to get sympathy. It's who I am and has created the base for who I eventually want to become. It's going to be a long road, but I WILL get there.
The last 12 months things have started to look up for me. I've met some amazing new friends (you know who you are if you're reading this) to add to the great friends I already have. I've stopped associating with certain people who weren't good influences on me. I've left a job that was making me unwell both mentally and physically. I've started in a job where I actually feel valued for what I do. I'm back up to 11 stone and I'm managing my illnesses. I look at it like this. My depression is an illness. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Like my Crohn's disease I don't believe they have found a cure, but the condition can be managed through a course of treatments, drugs and lifestyle changes. I'm by no means saying I'm where I want to be in relation to controlling either condition, I still get pain from the Crohn's and the Black Dog still comes knocking, but I'm moving in the right direction.
With my recent changes, I can honestly now say I'm looking forward to turning 30 this weekend. I've come a long way and I know I've still got a long way to go. With the help of friends, family and (prescription) drugs I have a chance at becoming the man I can be. And if that man is even half the man that my Dad has become, I know I'll be alright. He's the greatest man I know and is somehow still proud of me, despite all my flaws and mistakes.
So, with that, I ask you to raise a glass with me and say "Goodbye 20s, it's been emotional. HELLO 30s! We're gonna have so much fun!"
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