I woke up on Friday morning after another night huddled over the toilet bowl, and decided at around 6:30am that I couldn't face work that day for fear of vomiting on my keyboard. As I lay there trying to shut out the pain in my belly and the pain in my head I realised something was happening that hadn't happened for years. I was having a panic attack. I was lying in a pool of my own sweat, frozen still, watching the walls fall in on me while my hands could do nothing but claw at my chest while I struggled for breath. I lay there unable to do anything but cry and wish that someone was there to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. I'm a 30 year old man for fucks sake! What's wrong with me? I've got a good job that I love, I've got good friends, I'm lucky that my parents are still together. I know there's people out there who have worse trouble than me. I'm still alive and reasonably heathly.
I don't want my blog to become a depression diary, I really don't, but when I'm up, I fill my time with other things....when I'm down, I write. Sometimes just hearing from a friend when I'm not feeling well helps and, funnily enough, I've just received a text from a good friend asking if I'm ok. It's made me smile a little but I don't like to be a burden when others have their own lives to lead. I don't know how to respond as I don't want her to worry.
I spend an unnerving amount of my time on Twitter, and through that I have met some truly good friends, and learnt a lot. I've made the decision that when I'm down, I need to take a step back from tweeting. I've been told by several people that Twitter doesn't want to hear my issues and, while I used to argue that by talking about it I helped myself and helped educate others, I haven't got the energy to get into slanging matches anymore.
Several people, including some very close friends, have repeatedly told me that drugs aren't the answer, but there are days when I feel I can't get through without them. I go to see a counsellor once a month and sit on their couch and have a good cry and get relaxation exercises and everything is fine......for 48 hours.
I used to go out, get drunk, find a random and spend a meaningless night with her, just so I could have some intimate physical contact, however fleeting. I'm getting too old for that now. I want something more permanent. I need to get myself financially and mentally stable before I can even become any sort of attractive prospect for a relationship.
Maybe my problem lies in that I always become too attached to partners which inevitably ends up in me getting hurt and disappointed.
I'm 5'4", have facial hair and glasses and I'd never describe myself as a 'looker'. You know every group of friends has that loud, ugly mate? I've realised over the years.....it's me! I don't like meeting women on drunken nights out, but I've never had the confidence to approach them when I'm sober. I'm at a loss as to how I can meet them now. Maybe I'm the one who is destined just to drift while my sister and all my friends have their idyllic house, car, dog and 2.4 children
I'll be ok, I always am. Or at least people think I am.
