I Sit Alone (Poetry)

I sit alone
in a crowded room.
I speak
but noone hears.
I wave
but noone sees.

I want to scream and shout
and kick and punch
just so someone notices me.

I want to be held
I want to be caressed
I want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

I don't want to be alone.

The Lonliness of Existence

I've been suffering this week with some sort of sickness bug.  Coupled with the fact that I saw the first pictures of my uncles gravestone, it's had an unexpected effect on my mental state.

I woke up on Friday morning after another night huddled over the toilet bowl, and decided at around 6:30am that I couldn't face work that day for fear of vomiting on my keyboard.  As I lay there trying to shut out the pain in my belly and the pain in my head I realised something was happening that hadn't happened for years.  I was having a panic attack.  I was lying in a pool of my own sweat, frozen still, watching the walls fall in on me while my hands could do nothing but claw at my chest while I struggled for breath.  I lay there unable to do anything but cry and wish that someone was there to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.  I'm a 30 year old man for fucks sake! What's wrong with me?  I've got a good job that I love, I've got good friends, I'm lucky that my parents are still together.  I know there's people out there who have worse trouble than me.  I'm still alive and reasonably heathly.

I don't want my blog to become a depression diary, I really don't, but when I'm up, I fill my time with other things....when I'm down, I write.  Sometimes just hearing from a friend when I'm not feeling well helps and, funnily enough, I've just received a text from a good friend asking if I'm ok.  It's made me smile a little but I don't like to be a burden when others have their own lives to lead.  I don't know how to respond as I don't want her to worry.

I spend an unnerving amount of my time on Twitter, and through that I have met some truly good friends, and learnt a lot.  I've made the decision that when I'm down, I need to take a step back from tweeting.  I've been told by several people that Twitter doesn't want to hear my issues and, while I used to argue that by talking about it I helped myself and helped educate others, I haven't got the energy to get into slanging matches anymore.

Several people, including some very close friends, have repeatedly told me that drugs aren't the answer, but there are days when I feel I can't get through without them.  I go to see a counsellor once a month and sit on their couch and have a good cry and get relaxation exercises and everything is fine......for 48 hours.

I used to go out, get drunk, find a random and spend a meaningless night with her, just so I could have some intimate physical contact, however fleeting.  I'm getting too old for that now.  I want something more permanent.  I need to get myself financially and mentally stable before I can even become any sort of attractive prospect for a relationship.

Maybe my problem lies in that I always become too attached to partners which inevitably ends up in me getting hurt and disappointed.

I'm 5'4", have facial hair and glasses and I'd never describe myself as a 'looker'.  You know every group of friends has that loud, ugly mate? I've realised over the years.....it's me!  I don't like meeting women on drunken nights out, but I've never had the confidence to approach them when I'm sober.  I'm at a loss as to how I can meet them now.  Maybe I'm the one who is destined just to drift while my sister and all my friends have their idyllic house, car, dog and 2.4 children

I'll be ok, I always am.  Or at least people think I am.

Reflections and Projections

As my twenties come to an end I'm filled with mixed emotions. Whilst I'm filled with the natural fear of dread that social stigma tell us we should feel upon entering a new decade, I look back and realise the last eight years of my life have been pretty shite!

In the last 8 years I have been diagnosed with Crohn's disease, lost my best and oldest friend to mental illness and suicide, been diagnosed with depression myself, lost both my Grandma's within the space of a week each other, one unexpectedly.  I went from being a healthy 11stone  to 7 and a half stone in 2004 when I was ill.  I've dabbled with drugs and at certain times I believe I've had drink and gambling problems.  This has lead to me running away from anything as soon as it got too hard.  Be it relationships, jobs even cities.  I've moved from job to job and city to city, moving around like a nomad.  I've never felt like I belonged anywhere.  I've pushed away good friends who only wanted to help me, and with hindsight, I've realised it was because I was scared to let them get too close in case they left me.  I've even tried pushing my own family away.  My counsellor thinks I have abandonement issues and I can see where she's coming from.  Apparently it all stems from the death of my Grandfather when I was 4.

I've not said any of this in a vain attempt to get sympathy.  It's who I am and has created the base for who I eventually want to become.  It's going to be a long road, but I WILL get there.

The last 12 months things have started to look up for me.  I've met some amazing new friends (you know who you are if you're reading this) to add to the great friends I already have.  I've stopped associating with certain people who weren't good influences on me.  I've left a job that was making me unwell both mentally and physically.  I've started in a job where I actually feel valued for what I do.  I'm back up to 11 stone and I'm managing my illnesses.  I look at it like this.  My depression is an illness.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Like my Crohn's disease I don't believe they have found a cure, but the condition can be managed through a course of treatments, drugs and lifestyle changes.  I'm by no means saying I'm where I want to be in relation to controlling either condition, I still get pain from the Crohn's and the Black Dog still comes knocking, but I'm moving in the right direction.

With my recent changes, I can honestly now say I'm looking forward to turning 30 this weekend.  I've come a long way and I know I've still got a long way to go.  With the help of friends, family and (prescription) drugs I have a chance at becoming the man I can be.  And if that man is even half the man that my Dad has become, I know I'll be alright.  He's the greatest man I know and is somehow still proud of me, despite all my flaws and mistakes.

So, with that, I ask you to raise a glass with me and say "Goodbye 20s, it's been emotional. HELLO 30s! We're gonna have so much fun!"

Depression and Public opinion

I've been pondering this post for a few weeks now but recent events have encouraged me to finish what I'd started.  Those of you who follow me on the Twitter (@Lycan33) will probably already know that I suffer from depression.  It's something I've been coping with for over 7 years now.
There is a common misconception amongst people that every sufferer has the same symptoms.  We don't. We are all different! And what makes me really angry is when people seem to think it's just a case of 'cheering up' or looking at the positive things in life! FUCK ME! That's where I was going wrong.  Those days when I just can't face getting out of bed to face the world, the days when I can't even look my Dad in the eye.  The time when I tried to finish it all because I just wanted the pain to end, that was all I needed to do according to some people!
It's taken people like @stancollymore who is doing sterling work advertising the Depression Alliance after the sad death of Gary Speed to bring this debilitating illness to the forefront.
I wish there was a quick cure, I really do.  Do you think I enjoy feeling this way?  Feeling every achievement is somehow not the pinnacle it should be?
I have found talking to people has helped at times, but other times I've just wanted to be left alone.  I have met some amazing friends on my journey through depression and I hope that together we all make it through the other side.  But for now, I'm taking things one day at a time.
I'm sorry, It's not been my most coherent discussion, but it's something that's so close to my heart, all rational thought goes out of the window.  I hope that those of you who read this and are suffering or think they may be suffering realise that you are not the only one and there are people out there to talk to.  If I can help in anyway please message me......

Unrequited Love

I thought for my first post, I'd showcase some poetry I wrote a few years ago.

You're in my head,
under my skin,
I'm fucking crazy about you!
I can't be in the same room as you,
without wanting to hold you tight,
and never let go.
I can't look into your eyes,
without wanting to kiss you.
I can't touch you,
without wanting to run my hands all over you.
I can't talk to you,
without wanting to express my love for everything that you are, were, will be.
I get a knot in my stomach on my way to see you,
I feel sick when i leave you.
I count down every second until our next meeting,
and while you see it as a minor event,
it's the highlight of my day.
You make me smile and laugh when you're around,
I'm incomplete when you're not!
Yet, who you are,
can never love who I am,
but I wouldn't change who you are for the world!